Saturday, July 19, 2014

House Dreams

Our anticipated house project could be the death of a dream, or it could be a wonderful experience. It is a mind-boggling process that I have yet to fully embrace. It is minute-by-minute with plans, to-do lists, and emotions. This week I got excited. We finally have someone who is interested in working with us and has within a week done more than anyone else to get us the numbers. And today, when there were questions, I got worried. What are we doing? Why can't we get it right? We need an architect! He must think we're really crazy! {we are}.

Already the project is heartbreaking because it seems too hard. We've done this once, and I was in the wings, content, waiting, with a new baby to take care of. I had helped with all the important planning such as layout, kitchen design, and paint colors, oh and signing my name here, here, and here, thank you!
But when it all got turned upside down by an overblown dream and an unethical (to say the least) builder, I said "Never again!"

And yet, here we are, beating our heads against the wall of this beautiful American dream, this glass ceiling of a dream that we can't seem to break into--home ownership. How do you get to our age in life and not own a home unless it's by design, necessity, or poverty? Hmm, yes I can relate to all those things in varying degrees.
This dream theme has been one-upped by the book I read this week Paris Letters, a beautiful memoir about a girl, a dream, and the practical ways she made it happen and all the bigger dreams that came true after she made it happen. Seems that everyone is out there rethinking possible to a better more fulfilling life. This has me lying awake into the wee hours, (this and my partner's hacking cough), feeling restful and unable to pinpoint just where my dreams went wrong or right. What is it I really want my life to look like?

One thing I know is that I want a house, THIS house that we have been trying to map out for two years. This house that is so elusive I hardly think it possible it could happen, and yet, when our potential (I hope!) builder says, "Ok, here's some rough numbers," I say, "Really?! Wow!" The numbers of our house, and my husband says, "Really?! We can't afford it." {Darn}. Those are dream-shattering words.

Back to the drawing board? I hope not. The latest version of our dream house comes on a trailer and is built in a weather-proof factory. Yes, they are great, many say, but not if you talk to a builder. How will this house come to be?

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